Solitude and Boundaries for Transformation
Sometimes we need to be by ourselves in order to hear our Selves.
My dad once mentioned that when I was a child and going through some sort of change, such as going to a new school, I would spend a lot of time by myself. I’d forgotten about it until a good friend said the same thing to me-I seemed to disappear when I was dealing with change. Luckily, they both understood and gave me my space.
As I look back on my life, I can see my pattern. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I needed to be by myself in order to hear my Self. It is only through solitude that I can cut out the voices of everyone around me and hear the needs of my soul.
Years ago, I ran workshops for people who had lost their jobs. It was an honor to work with them during a time in their lives when they were going through a significant transition. I usually asked them to draw an image of “change” before we even began to talk about careers. Quite often they drew an image of a cocoon or a butterfly, which is often a symbol of transformation. The caterpillar goes into its protective shell to dissolve and become reborn.
Our busy society seems to want to omit the time in the chrysalis-we think we can just speed through that step and on to the next thing. But in order for real change to happen, we often need space to figure out what changes we really want in our lives and, then, how to make them happen. We need distance from other people’s expectations, perceptions, and demands to figure out what is right for us.
The chrysalis (crysosis is Greek for gold) provides a space for magic to happen. It also provides much-needed boundaries. When the caterpillar is transforming into the butterfly, it has no choice but to let go of everything in its current world in order to enter the cocoon. This isn’t so easy in our busy, human lives, so we often have to actively let go of parts of our lives, perhaps just temporarily, in order to make space and time.
This might involve getting rid of many of the activities that keep us busy. Or perhaps we need to create strong boundaries with some people. This sounds a bit callous particularly for women as we are often socialized to continually give to and care for others. But we can’t truly care for others unless we also care for ourselves. And during times of change, we need to take extra care of ourselves.
This “shedding” of activities and relationships may be temporary, but it may also be permanent. We may find that a friend or romance or an activity doesn’t fit with who we become once we emerge from our cocoon.
I have seen people create a chrysalis in which they “shed and cocoon” in various ways. Some people have downsized to a smaller home and in the process get rid of many things, which they don’t deem important anymore. Other people move to remote places, so they can spend time by themselves.
Others, who can’t or don’t want to move, may find boundaries in the places where they live. They may find a spot in their homes that is just theirs — no partners, kids, or roommates, allowed. Some create communication boundaries; they stop answering the phone every time someone calls and stop immediately responding to every message that comes through. They say “no” to many social invites. They stop volunteering to help all the time.
It sounds so logical and easy to take the necessary steps to make room for ourselves. But “taking up space” for ourselves is often laden with guilt. Many people were taught from an early that other people’s needs were more important than theirs, and thus, others have to come first. Some people weren’t really allowed space as a child — maybe they were the youngest or the middle child, so they just had to go along to get along. Whatever the specific circumstances were, the message was that we weren’t deserving of our own space while other people were entitled to theirs, and perhaps, some of ours, too. So, sometimes we have to deeply understand that we are entitled to our fair share of space.
The more shadowy side of not claiming our own space or creating the necessary boundaries is that it is easy to use other people as an excuse for not facing our own lives. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on other people and their problems than it is to focus on our own as we have to “wake up” to ourselves. Some of us are experts at evading facing our lives. However, they usually hunt us down.
Culturally, we could do with honoring this need for solitude and space. We can start by encouraging those around us to cocoon when needed. We can also encourage our children to recognize when solitude is helpful to them and to reinforce their entitlement to space.
The image is of the cave in Sainte-Baume where Mary Magdalene is believed to have spent the last years of her life in deep contemplation.